haiku and not-haiku from Mark Holloway @forgottenworks
You find the best things in your pockets.I love the way sea glass looks and feels. I love the crunch of hard frost. Putting these two summer/winter images together was wonderful.
I secretly hate it when people tell me how they would re-write or improve my poems (god knows I've written enough duff ones), so tell me to get lost if you like...What you have here is already a beautiful poem, but if you wanted to give it an extra polish I'd chop the word "coat" and the words "a piece of" out of this. Just my two-penn'orth, ignore me if you wish (*feeling a bit awkward*).
Thanks, Dave. No, really - it's all about getting the best possible haiku. Sometimes I can try the words so many different ways I lose track of which way is up. And this one has continued to trouble me. I think I got too attached to the idea of, and phrase, "a piece of summer" which was hidden in there. But you're right, it is leaner and more elegant now. (I'm keeping coat pocket, though, to emphasize winter - and for the rhythm.)Ah! It's that way up!
Your work is really good - you should submit some to Herons Nest, Simply Haiku, Shamrock etc"summer sea glass" is a brilliant line by the way
I second Dave here, great last line.Thoroughly enjoyed your haiku! ;-)AlanWith Words